洋葱

http://youtu.be/LJiHWRJW6UI

重复地听了N次…

每一次都是第一句就让我掉泪…

哭…不是因为 Shila 唱得好…

她的确唱得很棒、的确非常渗透人心…

但我哭…是因为我是那颗洋葱…

20140328    11:52PM

Lost.. Perhaps.... I Don't Know Anymore...

Honestly..

I'm losing thoughts...

I wanted to be alright...

I know you love me the way I was...

I know you like the cheerful, strong and bubbly me...

I know nobody likes to see me the way I am now...

But....

I don't know how to go back...

When your mind is all filled with worries, fear, sadness, insecurity, doubts, anger, frustration and stress...

It just doesn't work properly...

Worries...

I'm worried that people leaves...

I'm worried that people judges...

I'm worried that people hates...

I'm worried that I can't work...

I'm worried of worries......

Fear....

I fear to be alone...

I fear of loneliness...

I fear when you blame...

I fear when you scold....

I fear that you will be gone...

I fear of fear itself....

Sadness...

I'm depressed....

Coz nobody understands....

Coz I don't get comforts....

Coz people still judges...

Coz you blamed...

Coz I'm alone...

Insecurity...

I feel insecure....

Coz I'm confused...

Coz there is uncertainties....

Coz instead of comfort.. You blamed and pushed me away...

Doubts...

I doubt...

Whether I'm alright with it or not?

When I could think straight I am... When I'm depressed I'm not...

I doubt whether what you are telling me is true or not?

I doubt... Whether you will still stay for me.. Or you will not...

I doubt... How much time do I have.. Before it strikes and I'm gone...

I doubt... If I'm really gone... Would you finally understands? Or would you not...

I doubt of myself... My confident and my courage to move on....

I doubt on eveything... Every fear and every thoughts...

Anger...

I'm angry too seeing the twitch in me...

I'm angry...

Coz I make you angry...

Coz I make you sad...

Coz I make you worry...

Coz I make you stress...

I'm angry... Coz I can't do anything except for feeling more stressed...

Frustration...

I'm frustrated...

Coz I can't cheer up...

Coz I can't make people stay...

Coz I can't think...

Coz I can't make fear and worries go away...

Coz I can't express what I actually want...

Coz I can't find peace...

Coz I don't know how to tell you... About how you could do so that I'll listen to you...

Stress...

I'm stressed...

Coz of worries...

Coz of fear....

Coz of insecurity...

Coz of doubts...

Coz of anger...

Coz of frustration...

Coz... Though I know I should gear up...

But I don't know how to...

Coz I'm stressed about stress...

Seriously... 

You said that our thinkings are far too different...

Actually it's not...

You have no idea at all when I'm thinking the same way as you are...

But do you know why I'm only thinking of it instead of doing it??

I'm telling you that I am in pain... 

But you did not hear the weaker voice saying "Help me..Grab my hand and don't let go"...

You blamed me for not listening...

You blamed me for depressed...

You blamed me for all the things I do...

And you said it's all out of care and concern....

But my heart just seems to block them away...

Not that I don't listen...

Perhaps I'm awaiting to see more encouraging words/action...

Words/action that could break the wall...

Words/action that could melt the ice...

Words/action that could make me cry tears of touch...

Perhaps...

I don't know...

Coz it's haywire inside...

I don't know anymore...

20140328    2:56AM

我没说的，你听到了吗？

别被我骗了。

别被我的面具给骗了。

我带着一个面具，千个面具，

我没有勇气除下面具，

没有一个是真的我。

伪装几乎已成了我的本能，

别被我骗了，

千万别被我骗了。

我让你以为我是安然的，

以为我里里外外都一样的阳光普照，万里无云，

以为我充满信心，冷静淡定，

以为我心如止水，收放自如，

以为我不需要任何人，

不过，请别相信我。

我外表看起来祥和，然而那正是我的面具--变幻莫测，莫测高深。

面具下没有惬意，

只有一片混乱，恐惧与孤寂。

我不想让任何人知道，

所以我戴上面具。

一想到可能泄漏了自己的怯弱和恐惧，让我惊恐不已。

于是我慌乱地制造了一个面具，

一个看来漠然的，事故的面具，

让我伪装，

让我避开那洞悉人心的一瞥。

但那正是能救赎我的一瞥，

我知道那是我唯一的希望--

如果那一瞥之后是接纳，是关爱。

那是可以让我--

从我一手创建的囹圄里，

从我辛辛苦苦筑起来的围墙里

得到释放的唯一希望。

那是唯一能安抚我这颗，自己也无法安抚的心的希望，

唯一让我觉得自己有价值的希望。

可是我不告诉你，我不敢，我害怕，

害怕你那一瞥之后不是接纳，

不是爱。

我害怕你会觉得我没那么好，害怕你取笑我，

而你的取笑，会置我于死地。

我害怕自己一文不值，害怕自己不够好，

害怕被你发现以后你会拒绝我。

于是我玩着伪装的游戏，绝望的游戏--

表面上看起来自信满满，

内心深处却是一个发抖颤栗的小孩。

于是我戴着灿烂但空虚的面具上阵，

伪装，成为了我第二个生命。

我以柔和的语调与你闲闲地聊着不着边际的话题。

我什么都说，却什么都没说，

我没说出我最在乎，最叫我心碎的事。

所以当我一贯地这么做的时候，

别被我所说的蒙骗了。

请用你的心聆听，听听我没说的，

以及我希望我能说的；

听听为了生存，我必须说的，

以及我不能说的。

我不喜欢瞒骗，

我不喜欢玩这种表面伪装的游戏。

我不想再玩了。

我要真诚的，如实地做回我自己，

但是你可得帮我。

请伸出你的手

即使我看起来似乎毫不在乎。

只有你能抹去我眼中死尸般的空洞，

只有你能唤醒我的生命力。

每当你善意温柔地鼓励我的时候，

每当你怀着爱心尝试了解我的时候，

我的心开始长出翅膀，

非常小的翅膀，

非常微弱的翅膀，

但，是翅膀！

你唤醒了我的情感，为我注入了生命力，

你知道吗？

你知道你对我而言是多么重要吗？

你可以成为一个忠于造物者的创造者--

创造一个真正的我--

如果你愿意这么做的话。

单靠你，就可以摧毁我躲在其后颤抖战栗的围墙，

单靠你，就能除下我的面具，

单靠你，就能救赎我自阴暗惊恐的世界，

自动荡的世界，自荒凉的囹圄--

如果你愿意这么做的话。

请这么做。

别与我插肩而过。

对你而言，这不是件容易的事。

经年累月的相信自己是一文不值的，

这种信仰成了坚固的围墙。

你越靠近我，我可能会越盲目地反击。

只是不可理喻的，无论书本上是怎么赞叹人类，

我就是那么的不可理喻。

我抗拒所有我渴望得到的。

不过，有人说爱比围墙更坚不可摧，

在爱里，有我的希望。

请试试摧毁那些围墙，

用你坚定的手，但又温柔的手，

因为墙内的小孩是很敏感的。

我是谁？你或许想知道吧。

我是你很熟悉的人。

是你遇到的每一个男人，

也是你遇到的每一个女人。

Charles C. Finn, 1966

20140323    2:54PM

Please... Hear What I'm Not Saying

Don't be fooled by me

Don't be fooled by the face I wear

For I wear a mask, a thousand masks,

Masks that I'm afraid to take off,

And none of them is me.

Pretending is an art that's second nature with me,

But don't be fooled,

For God's sake don't be fooled.

I give you the impression that I'm secure,

That all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without,

That confidence is my name and coolness my game,

That the water's calm and I'm in command

And that I need no one,

But don't believe me.

My surface may seem smooth but my surface is my mask,

Ever-varying and ever-concealing.

Beneath lies no complacence.

Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness.

But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it.

I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed.

That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,

A nonchalant sophisticated facade,

To help me pretend,

To shield me from the glance that knows.

But such a glance is precisely my salvation, my only hope, and I know it.

That is, if it's followed by acceptance, 

If it's followed by love.

It's the only thing that can liberate my from myself,

From my own self-built prison walls,

From the barriers I so painstakingly erect.

It's the only thing that will assure me

Of what I can't assure myself,

That I'm really worth something.

But I don't tell you this. I don't dare to, I'm afraid to.

I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance,

Will not be followed by love.

I'm afraid you'll think less of me.

That you'll laugh, and you laugh would kill me.

I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing

And that you will see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate pretending game,

With a facade of assurance without

And a trembling child within.

So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks,

And my life becomes a front.

I idly chatter to you in the suave tones of surface talk.

I tell you everything that's really nothing,

And nothing of what's everything, 

Of what's crying within me.

So when I'm going through my routine

Do not be fooled by what I'm saying.

Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying,

What I'd like to be able to say,

What for survival I need to say,

But what I can't say.

I don't like hiding.

I don't like playing superficial phony games.

I want to stop playing them.

I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me

But you've got to help me.

You've got to hold out you hand

Even when that's the last thing I seem to want.

Only you can wipe away from my eyes

The blank stare of the breathing dead.

Only you can call me into aliveness.

Each time you're kind, and gentle, and encouraging,

Each time you try to understand because you really care,

My heart begins to grow wings~~

Very small wings,

Very feeble wings,

But wings!

With your power to touch me into feeling

You can breath life into me.

I want you to know that.

I want you to know how important you are to me,

How you can be a creator-- an honest-to-God creator-- 

Of the person that is me

If you choose to.

You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble,

You alone can remove my mask,

You alone can release me from my shadow-world of panic,

From my lonely prison,

If you choose to.

Please choose to.

Do not pass me by.

It will not be easy for you.

A long conviction of worthlessness build strong walls.

The nearer you approach to me

The blinder I may strike back.

It's irrational, but despite what the books say about man

Often I am irrational.

I fight against the very thing I cry out for.

But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls

And in this lies my hope.

Please try to beat down those walls

With firm hands but with gentle hands

For a child is very sensitive.

Who am I, you may wonder?

I am someone you know very well.

For I am every man you meet

Ans I am very woman you meet.

Charles C. Finn

September 1966

20140322    1:44PM

A Sweet Dream

I was in my white gown..

You're in your suit..

Your face is blur, but I can feel my heartbeat fast..

And sweet blood runs in my vein..

You held my hand and we kissed..

We took our vow...

But it's just a dream..

I have no idea why I still dreamed of you..

It's been ages since we're separated...

And whenever it comes to dreams like this it'll always be you..

I actually feel happy waking up with that dream, but just one thing which is not right, the hero is you..

I'll remember the dream, sorry I won't remember you..

First ever sweet dream in the year of 2014..

Good morning world~

20140105    9.37AM

Hope & Strength

I've always hope that thing will get better...

No matter how hard life has brought me down...

Might cry and complain and make a fuss about it...

But I've always hold on...

Lessons from the past taught me not to say words that hurt...

Especially when you're not thinking rationally...

I never say anything like that these days...

Perhaps it's coz of Karma as I keep getting those words back...

Now I guess I need to have little faith, trust and pixie dust to overcome it....

I need extra boost of strength to hold on...

Hope that everything will turn out just fine..

Now...

Any idea where to get my pixie dusts??

20131212    1.54PM

Just Love & Care

Girls like diamonds, roses, little gifts, romantic gifts....
Sometimes they are materialistic..And realistic...
Gifts.. Big or small.. Makes them happy...

Well, I'm a girl...
But in order to be happy...I don't need stuffs..
Yes, I'll be glad if people gift me things...
But that's temporary.. The happiness and satisfaction just won't last long...
I've been asking myself for a long time..

"What's the thing that I need the most?"

And I guess I had the answer..
I need affection.. To feel love.. To be cared..

I don't know.. Maybe it's the thing that I went through when I was younger..

I'm a attention seeking kid back then..

Always seek for love and words of care from parents and friends...

But it all ended up the opposite way..

Yes I've got the attention.. 

But at the same time I've got rejections, denials, words of hatred...

And I've got caned and locked away as well...

I've always been insecure...

Easily scared...

So I protected myself...

My heart has been broken.. I tried to put it back in shape..

Still there's some unfound pieces...

The already shattered heart has been sealed for a very long time...

It'll only be opened to those whom I think are trustable... But there's only 3 of them..

No more..

The key to unlock it is easy..

It doesn't need gold or platinum or diamonds...

Definitely doesn't need roses or rings or any stuffs...

All it needs is some love and affection...

A simple hug that reacts from the heart will do...

I'll tend to cry when people hugs me... 

And cry harder when I'm initially crying...

But don't worry, it's a sign of relieve...

Simply means that my broken heart is being soothed, that it feels it.. The affection..

Unfinished business that prolonged from chilhood I guess...

Sometimes I feel that I'm still like a kid...

You might tell me that I can create my own strength and value... That I can be strong on my own..

But the thing is.. I've been strong on my own for a very long time..

I just need a break in between...

Just someone there for me...

Yes.. I need someone too :(((

Who will be there when I need them most??

20131205    2.52PM