Lost.. Perhaps.... I Don't Know Anymore...

Honestly..

I'm losing thoughts...

I wanted to be alright...

I know you love me the way I was...

I know you like the cheerful, strong and bubbly me...

I know nobody likes to see me the way I am now...

But....

I don't know how to go back...

When your mind is all filled with worries, fear, sadness, insecurity, doubts, anger, frustration and stress...

It just doesn't work properly...

Worries...

I'm worried that people leaves...

I'm worried that people judges...

I'm worried that people hates...

I'm worried that I can't work...

I'm worried of worries......

Fear....

I fear to be alone...

I fear of loneliness...

I fear when you blame...

I fear when you scold....

I fear that you will be gone...

I fear of fear itself....

Sadness...

I'm depressed....

Coz nobody understands....

Coz I don't get comforts....

Coz people still judges...

Coz you blamed...

Coz I'm alone...

Insecurity...

I feel insecure....

Coz I'm confused...

Coz there is uncertainties....

Coz instead of comfort.. You blamed and pushed me away...

Doubts...

I doubt...

Whether I'm alright with it or not?

When I could think straight I am... When I'm depressed I'm not...

I doubt whether what you are telling me is true or not?

I doubt... Whether you will still stay for me.. Or you will not...

I doubt... How much time do I have.. Before it strikes and I'm gone...

I doubt... If I'm really gone... Would you finally understands? Or would you not...

I doubt of myself... My confident and my courage to move on....

I doubt on eveything... Every fear and every thoughts...

Anger...

I'm angry too seeing the twitch in me...

I'm angry...

Coz I make you angry...

Coz I make you sad...

Coz I make you worry...

Coz I make you stress...

I'm angry... Coz I can't do anything except for feeling more stressed...

Frustration...

I'm frustrated...

Coz I can't cheer up...

Coz I can't make people stay...

Coz I can't think...

Coz I can't make fear and worries go away...

Coz I can't express what I actually want...

Coz I can't find peace...

Coz I don't know how to tell you... About how you could do so that I'll listen to you...

Stress...

I'm stressed...

Coz of worries...

Coz of fear....

Coz of insecurity...

Coz of doubts...

Coz of anger...

Coz of frustration...

Coz... Though I know I should gear up...

But I don't know how to...

Coz I'm stressed about stress...

Seriously... 

You said that our thinkings are far too different...

Actually it's not...

You have no idea at all when I'm thinking the same way as you are...

But do you know why I'm only thinking of it instead of doing it??

I'm telling you that I am in pain... 

But you did not hear the weaker voice saying "Help me..Grab my hand and don't let go"...

You blamed me for not listening...

You blamed me for depressed...

You blamed me for all the things I do...

And you said it's all out of care and concern....

But my heart just seems to block them away...

Not that I don't listen...

Perhaps I'm awaiting to see more encouraging words/action...

Words/action that could break the wall...

Words/action that could melt the ice...

Words/action that could make me cry tears of touch...

Perhaps...

I don't know...

Coz it's haywire inside...

I don't know anymore...

20140328    2:56AM