I doubt

Is it real that I've got a psychological problem since I was very small??
I caused troubles all the time...
Cries...Fears...Yells...
I've been wondering why??
Why did I fear of so many things??
Why I cried all the time??
Why??... Why??... Why??.....
Was it because I feel lack of love because I am the eldest in the family??
Was it because I'm trying to catch everyone's attention??
So that they can sayang me, comfort me and love me more???
Was I like a problematic kid who is always trying to seek more attention to myself??
Did I just brought all these problems to here and now??
In my previous relationship, I felt like I'm a psycho...
I ruined everything...
And from that time I started to wonder...
Did I choose to study Psychology because of what is happening on me??
That I didn't notice until after I broke my own heart??
I like to injure myself, or cause some physical pain sometimes...
Because they can actually cover the pain in the heart...
I don't know... I feel like I'm insane or something...
When I was young, I was beaten a lot...
Scolded a lot...
Pinched... Slapped... Poked by needles... Grabbed on the hair... Locked outside the house/inside the kitchen... Thrown inside the rubbish bin.....
Did all those just cause some problems in my brain?? Or in my thinking/mental state??
Sometimes I feel like I was not being loved by someone in the house...
Like I'm not her daughter, you know who I mean I think...
Yea...
And when I see my sister can be so close to her I'll tend to feel left out...
Maybe because daddy isn't home most of the time as of his work...
I can't talk them out to anyone...
I don't have a friend when I was in primary as they often boycotted me...
I might look strong but deep inside there are many underlying mental problem I believe...
URGH I feel like a psychotic freak now!!

I need a counselor...

20120124    11.37PM

Loss. Grief. Nightmare

And he's gone...
Forever...
Every year during Chinese New Year I'll be seeing him...
Give him a warm call: "Uncle ♥~"
But he's gone... Forever gone...
This year's reunion, without him it'll be incomplete...
I still remember last year during Ching Ming I met him...
Still in good condition..
But now......... T.T
I can't help to cry thinking of him...
No matter how he's my uncle, my beloved uncle...
I love him~
It's a loss of a beloved family member of mine...
And yes I'm in grief~
I'm fine when I'm surrounded by people...
Now when I'm free, I'll think of him...
And I can't help to feel sad...
I had a nightmare when I took a nap this afternoon...
Or shall I call it a "noon-mare"...
I dreamed that my BFF went away... And I mean the same away like my uncle did...
I was totally freaked out!!
I don't know what to do at all...
In my dream, I broke down into tears...
And I woke up with a part of my pillow wet...
Relieved that it was only a dream, but it actually made my think of my uncle...
And I started to cry again...

Dear uncle,
I don't wish to let you see me cry, but I can't help it...
I know you're somewhere out there watching us, perhaps together with grandpa and grandma..
I really do hope that you're happy now...
Uncle, I love you...
Although there were less chance for me to meet with you but I do love you...
I'll be a good girl and sayang my daddy much, don't worry okay~
Be in peace now...
Every year I'll pay you a visit okay~
I promise...
Last goodbye uncle...Love you~
T.T

20120117    12.25AM

生离死别

人走了，总有在回忆他的亲人..
看着失落的爸爸帮叔叔抹灵柩的样子..
姑姑看见自己的弟弟走了那失落的模样..
哥哥从英国回来，红着眼睛，跪趴这进家门的模样..
看了心酸...
食不下，睡不着..
终须一别，与其继续受苦，还不如早一些离开，也算是一种解脱。
那天在医院看见这位小宝贝..
有人离开，有人到来..
有人愁，有人欢喜..
世界就是这么不断更替着..
无论如何，都请叔叔一路好走。
你会永远活在我们的记忆中...
😢

20120114 2.36AM

Rest In Peace, God Bless

Rushed to the hospital...
My big brother walked out shaking his head...
I was like.. OMG!! Noooooo...
Ran to his bed, seeing him lying there motionless, breathless, icy cold.....
I can't hold my tears back anymore...
Even though he's my uncle, still I can feel the pain, the grief...
He's been suffering all these while... Swollen stomach, breathing problem...
That day when my dad came back and said he started to tell nonsense...
I know this day will come...

I feel sad and pain because he suffered too much...
Those jerks can let him be, but I just can't bare to see my own uncle suffering like that..
But I can't do anything... Coz I'm only his niece...
I feel glad at the same time...
Coz he no longer have to suffer...
Now he can have a long rest and is able to meet with my grandparents along with God...
I do hope it's a relief for him...

Have no strength to blame anyone for any fault or mistake they made...
Coz he's already left...
I swear to God I'll treat my parents well...
Zillion time better!!
Because unlike them, I love my family very much...
I just wish I could give the best for them, as they had gave the best for me all these years..
Dad, mum, I really really do love you..

I learned that, we really really MUST appreciate and be thankful to everything that we're having right now...
Coz we won't know when we might lose them, or when they might leave us...

No matter how, family is still the BEST and WARMEST place in the world...
Except for your parents, no one will nag you for spending much and at the same time gives you more money coz they afraid you have not enough;
Except for your family, no other will let you throw a million time of tantrums on them, and yet still love you unconditionally...
I love my family...
And I thank God for giving me such a wonderful family...

For my dear uncle,
God has embrace you by His side..
May you rest in peace..
I'll remember you..
We will remember you...
T.T

20120112    2.39AM

Friend & Enemy, Who Do You Fear?

Who do you fear the most?
Is it friend? Or is it your enemy?
For me, that will be friend.
Because if it's your enemy, you knew he/she is a total jerk and you'll avoid having contact with him/her...
Or won't believe in things he/she said to you.

But if it's your friend, then it's different.
At times the one who hurt you the most is them, friends.
It's because you trust them, you like them and you won't avoid them no matter what happens.
But when they betray you, that is the time when you'll get hurt the most!

BUT!!!
BFF is different!!
Hehehe.. I mean mine..
We are friend not because one of us is rich, or one of us is an icon...
It's because we share the same thought, same feeling and we are crazy when we're with each other...
Buddy is trustworthy...Long lasting ^.^


20120109    11.07PM

Happy Birthday Buddy

Specially dedicated to you my Dearest Friend:

I always wished for a Special Friend,

Who's be close to me heart...

It came true when I met you!

On your special day I wish for you...

May all your dreams and wishes come true!

Have a very HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

20120106    1.06AM

Preserving The Best

20120104    7.16PM

Best Friends Moments

I imagine me and my BFF would be like them..

Weeeeeeee.....
Able to share ANYTHING...EVERYTHING....

Have fun together!!!
Even if it's an everyday-hang-out still we won't get tired of it...

Always laugh and get excited about everything each other said...

Have each other's back when in need...

Never find time for them, because you'll definitely be there when they need you...

Even though we always laugh at each other...

Blame the other person when we did something wrong...purposely... XD

Exaggerating minor mistakes just to have a laugh at each other....

Hahahahha...Still we're never tired of doing all these..
And we'll do it over and over again..
Because these little moments boost up our friendship...

Oh and and and....
We don't friend each other because of their social status, wealth or anything...
We're friends simply because we're friends... True and sincere from our hearts...

Hahahahahaha...
I'm glad to have a friend like you...
Gosh, and don't you realize that there are quite a few posts in this blog were about you?!!
Hehehe...
Guess that I'm really proud to find a true friend..
Buddy!! I treasure this friendship really much!!!

Hoorayyy!!!!

20120104    5.30PM

Happy-Go-Lucky

Google search:
"Spongebob is a happy-go-lucky cartoon character..."
He definitely is!! Especially when he's with his best friend Patrick Star.
They made the BEST company, and of course the funniest ones!!
Hehehe... That's why I like them.


20120104    4.02PM

New Start

I remember that time when I found the box and took out the "memories" inside of it...
That made me cried for the whole night...
And I can definitely remember how shattered my heart was when it happened...
How hurt I was, how stupid I was trying to hurt myself, how cruel I was to myself....
But they were all past....
Today I glance back at your current pictures...
Funny, I don't have a single feeling at all...
I wonder as well:
"Why did I break my heart because of you?"
"Why my thoughts and emotions and feelings were so cling-ed to you back there?"
"Why am I so stupid for doing such foolish stuffs?"
For the first time, I feel nothing...Nothing at all...
I'm not sure whether it's because unconsciously, I'm actually trying to repress the emotions..
Or I'm really really over it this time..
Well, at least I'm not crying my eyeballs out!!
Should feel glad for that..

Funny thing called "LOVE"
It breaks your heart;
But it brings smile to your face and joy to your life as well.
Treasure it when you have it; be happy when it's over as well.
As Love is beautiful...
^^

20120103    1.32AM