I doubt

Is it real that I've got a psychological problem since I was very small??
I caused troubles all the time...
Cries...Fears...Yells...
I've been wondering why??
Why did I fear of so many things??
Why I cried all the time??
Why??... Why??... Why??.....
Was it because I feel lack of love because I am the eldest in the family??
Was it because I'm trying to catch everyone's attention??
So that they can sayang me, comfort me and love me more???
Was I like a problematic kid who is always trying to seek more attention to myself??
Did I just brought all these problems to here and now??
In my previous relationship, I felt like I'm a psycho...
I ruined everything...
And from that time I started to wonder...
Did I choose to study Psychology because of what is happening on me??
That I didn't notice until after I broke my own heart??
I like to injure myself, or cause some physical pain sometimes...
Because they can actually cover the pain in the heart...
I don't know... I feel like I'm insane or something...
When I was young, I was beaten a lot...
Scolded a lot...
Pinched... Slapped... Poked by needles... Grabbed on the hair... Locked outside the house/inside the kitchen... Thrown inside the rubbish bin.....
Did all those just cause some problems in my brain?? Or in my thinking/mental state??
Sometimes I feel like I was not being loved by someone in the house...
Like I'm not her daughter, you know who I mean I think...
Yea...
And when I see my sister can be so close to her I'll tend to feel left out...
Maybe because daddy isn't home most of the time as of his work...
I can't talk them out to anyone...
I don't have a friend when I was in primary as they often boycotted me...
I might look strong but deep inside there are many underlying mental problem I believe...
URGH I feel like a psychotic freak now!!

I need a counselor...

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